Father's day has historically been a rough day for me. My dad wasn't around much when I was a kid. And this day marked the second day in as many months I honored my mother, who played both roles. She didn't have the luxury of saying, "Go ask your father." And I didn't have the luxury of saying, "But daddy said I could."
As a child, when it was brought to my attention that living in our home with my mother operating as both parents wasn't the "norm", an anger began to stir within me. And that anger became rage and that rage became hatred. And the target was my dad.
Soon enough, that anger spilled over into every aspect of my life. Because the thought of my own father walking away from his family and choosing not to raise his kids was so deeply painful to me, I built a fortress around my heart and I allowed nothing but anger to be reflected in my actions. While deep inside I continued to have the same emotional needs as anyone would and as we all do, I shut them out for the world to see. I was always, "fine."
I developed a picture of what my father was. And trust me, it wasn't pretty. Nor was it accurate. But I wouldn't understand that until later. I tagged this new photo to all dads and was fiercely jealous of my friends who had the "normal" life. My grandfathers and my uncles attempted to step in and fill the shoes. But one can only care for another as much as that person will allow. And I didn't allow it.
Today, at the age of 37, I can tell you I didn't grow up with the right picture of my dad. See, he had demons to battle, just like I do. Just like you do. He knew Jesus. And he knew where he'd spend eternity. But I don't suppose my dad ever believed he was worthy of a good life here. He had struggles. And they were strong. And at different times he would fight them. But they would knock him down again.
I can debate back-and-forth with someone who wants to judge my dad. Did he have a responsibility? Yes. Should he have made different choices? Yes. Should he have been there to see me throw that tag high throw from center field to the short-stop for a double-play? Yes. Should he have seen my sister go to prom with her future husband? Yes. Should he have walked her down the aisle? Yes.
But let me ask you this, by judging him, as I did my entire life, and by focusing on what he should have been doing, what do we miss? Why didn't he do what he should have? What is broken inside of him? Why is he in such pain and self-loathing that he doesn't think he deserves the love of his soul mate, the admiration of his children, the sharing with his family? Why didn't my dad think he was worthy of a good, solid, life full of love?
I'll never know. He passed away February 13, 2009, after a battle with cancer. I wasn't there when he breathed his last, but I had been visiting a few times during his last two weeks. And I am humbly grateful to God for showing me what He showed me during that time.
Can I conjure the questions I used to justify my judgement against my dad? I listed them didn't I? But you want to know the difference? The emotion and the venom and the hatred that used to accompany them has been erased. It was erased during the last two weeks of my dad's life as I saw him resting in God. I saw him patiently waiting for his time. Knowing it was coming. Sure of where he was going. It was erased as I watched the twinkle in his eye while he held my mother's hand. It was erased with the wink and the smile he gave me as I helped him sip his Dr. Pepper. And it was erased when I told my daddy, "I love you," and he replied, "Love you too, hon."
God is not broken. God doesn't battle hidden heartache. God doesn't have to overcome trials and temptations. God doesn't leave your side. Ever. God doesn't forget to call. He is never late. He is a provider. He is the giver of life. Your name is written on the palm of His hand. You belong to Him. He calls you friend. You are His son or His daughter. He is for you in every battle you face. He sacrificed His Son for you so that you could spend eternity with Him. He calls you by name. He's numbered the hairs on your head. He keeps your tears. You are His. He has chosen you. He has a plan for your life.
God isn't like my daddy was. But God loved my daddy just like He loves me. And God never left my daddy. Even when my daddy strayed, God didn't abandon him. God won't abandon you. He seeks you. He calls to you. He stands at the door and knocks.
Regardless of the brokenness you have, the pains you've endured, the injustice you have suffered, the wrong choices, the bad decisions, the self-destruction.... Regardless of all of that, God loves you and wants you. Lean into Him. Feel His strong arms wrap around you. Breathe out all of the things of your past and inhale the beautiful plans God has for your future. Allow Him to restore you, to refresh you, to make you a new creation. He loves you.
Father God, thank you for ordering me to spend those evenings with my father during his last two weeks. Forgive me for not spending more time. As I now clearly see what you wanted to show me. Father, forgive me that I compared you to my dad's mistakes. Forgive me that I spent many years of my life with you on the edge. Forgive me for not trusting you. Lord, I know there are others like me. I know there are men and women, even children today, who don't have the right understanding of Who you are because they compare you to their dad's mistakes. Find a way to show them, God, that you are different. Find a way to bring them the ability to understand, Father, that you are the example of love, for you are love. Strengthen them as they endure imperfection. For those daddy's God who don't know how to be a daddy, captivate them God, and bring them into you. Breathe your life into them. Help them learn love. Help them beat their demons. Help them understand responsibility and walk with them step for step as they begin life anew. Thank you, Father, for the men who do get it. Thank you for their example. Thank you for their protection. Thank you for their endurance. Surround us today, God, with your warmth and love. And to you, Father, we say, "Happy Father's Day." In Jesus' name, Amen!
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