Where's my cape??

When I was a little kid, I (like most kids) figured out how my actions could cause others to smile. I could be cute or funny and another person's face would light up. As I got older, I discovered the witty vein that sprints through our family and suddenly found the need to be a comedian. Entertaining other people and helping lighten a mood is one thing; and there is nothing wrong with bringing other people joy. Somewhere in my childhood, though, I crossed a line.

I assumed ownership of other people's emotions. I tagged myself with the responsibility of making other people happy. I began to believe the lie that their response to my humor was my purpose. And soon enough, I expanded my operation. I not only owned people's laughs and smiles, I owned their growth and maturity. And the success of their growth, their responsibility, them "getting it" was a direct correlation to my worth and value. If others couldn't be happy, whole, all they were designed to be - I was less than what I was designed to be. I had failed.

I operated out of this mode for many, many years. And with each passing year, each new relationship, I built an enterprise. And the size of the enterprise I owned was massive. And it was very, very heavy. And word got out that I would take ownership of things others totally owned. And that I would carry not only their load, but them. I would do for them things they could not do for themselves. In truth, my dynasty was so massive, I would do for them things they would not do for themselves. And the weight of the world was upon me. And I was Superman.

I did pretty well for a while. I "sucked it up" as things became increasingly difficult. My stress level was through the roof and becoming more difficult to hide. I'd always battled anger as well. The vast majority of my life I was very angry. And that became a simple pattern and knee-jerk response to any attempt at any emotion. If I was scared, you saw anger. If I was sad, you saw anger. If I was happy, many times you would even see anger instead of laughter; or at least it would be intermixed.

I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating properly. There was always something spinning through my mind. Something I was worried about. Something I was trying to figure out how to fix for someone else; even things for myself. My life felt out of control. My responsibilities for everyone else's happiness and peace in their life was more than I could handle. I had too many irons in the fire. There were too many people I was trying to prop up. I was suffocating.

In the fall of 2005, I crashed. I'd had enough weight upon me that I couldn't do it anymore. Now, before anyone attempts to point fingers at others, and before anyone attempts to criticize or judge anyone else that was in my life when this occurred, let me make something very, very clear: I am the one who CHOSE to own what other people should have owned. I am the one who "bought" their rights and took control of the things that were out of control for them. It was my decision. And I was wrong. On every count.

In the fall of 2006, I found myself unemployed and floundering for a light at the end of the tunnel, a light of the ship coming to rescue me. Nothing was as it should be. I knew only chaos. All of my relationships with friends, family, even my partner were caving in. I'd experienced that desert feeling we all endure from time to time many different times up to this point. You know, that feeling when you open your eyes and see nothing but blowing sand and the sun? The vision we all have when we can't find the water. We don't have a map. We're all alone. No other time in my life have I felt more alone than that season. But I wasn't.

Through what I felt was an innocent statement during a conversation about Christ being "the One," I discovered the Word. My statement prompted an extremely passionate instruction to review God's Word and see for myself. Now, understand my position here. I grew up believing in Jesus. I was baptized somewhere around 5 or 6. And during different times in my life I was prayerful and felt the direction of the Holy Spirit. But even through all of that time, which at this point was almost 30 years, I'd never actually read much of the Bible for myself. I'd certainly never studied it. So, at this urgent direction, I began studying.

It was exactly what I needed. And I soon discovered the promises God has given and the hunger that comes from studying the Bible. The more I read, the more I wanted to read. And the more I prayed. And the more I wanted to be in church. And over the years since that fateful night in December 2006, I've come to live to talk about God's promises. Read these blogs. What is the main topic? Strike up a conversation with me on facebook? I guarantee you at some point the conversation will turn to God.

It isn't something I do on a conscious level. It's just a burning I have inside. It's something that has become natural. I don't mean to offend anyone. But if I say to you, "Praise God!" I mean it!! If I say to you, "Our Father is on the throne and has a plan for your life." I mean it! It's what I say to myself and it's what I believe. God is that light at the end of the tunnel. He's the ship when your being tossed by the waves who will rescue you. He is that pool of clear, refreshing water when you're stranded in the desert sun.

What does this have to do with Superman? All of my life, God cautioned me about my role and responsibility in the lives of others. Influence? Yes. By living as I "preach." Love? Yes. As best to unconditionally as I can (which has been a lifelong struggle - judgement can be another blog.) Act with compassion? Offer grace? Shine His light? Yes. Yes. And yes. Do for others what they cannot or will not do for themselves? NO!!!

Can I change someone? No. Can I make them see what they need to do for their lives to become happy? Not really. There is the illusion that we can. But if we're listening to the voice of God, and we see their struggle, and we sit down and let God stand up inside of us, it isn't our words they really hear. It is God's words. He gives them what He knows they are ready to handle - if we follow His direction. Sure, I can see something in someone and spout off because I'm irritated or annoyed or I've grown weary of their trek around the same mountain for the 200th time. But if God has not softened their heart to hear that, it's futile. And it's worse when they won't let Him. It's not my timing. It's God's.

Can I fix someone? No. God is the One who heals. Not me. He may provide for me skills, talents, or means to gain knowledge and He may choose to use these gifts in me He's given to reach the broken through me, but at the end of the day, the healing comes from Him.

Point of interest: I've known this for some time. Unwinding the behavior is quite a bit slower than acknowledging the needed change. And I'll be honest with you, it's extremely difficult to return the rights of responsibility to those who really own them.

But I'm determined to persevere. I'm determined to push through and get it into my flesh and my soul that by the grace of God He uses me as a willing tool to shine His light onto others. It is by the grace of God people cross my path He will have me touch. His will. His timing. His job. God. Glory to the Father! And may He do whatever is necessary throughout my life to keep me humble. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Do I believe God wants to use me in a greater way? You bet I do!! I feel that is evident. Do I think He can promote me to that next level if I don't let Him "fix" me in this area? No way! I will find myself curled in a fetal position because I took the Superman cape out of the closet again and I'm trying to do for others what they need to do for themselves. It's not going to be an overnight change. And I can assure you, it will be trying and very painful at times. But it is necessary for me to become the woman God has called me to be and do the thing He's calling me to do.

Be blessed my friends, and be courageous to let God do in you the thing He needs to do so you can do what He's asking you to do! :)

HABAKKUK 3:18 NIV
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

2 Corinthians 10:4 (New International Version)
4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.

Hebrews 10:35-36: So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.