Lean In

The clock continues to move and the fog continues to hang. Some moments I think I can see beyond the reach of my arm. And the very next moment the density increases and I'm not sure I can see my fingers anymore. Maybe I can see my wrist.

If we flipped the two numbers in today's date, it would be my last day with my current company. On the one hand, that's okay. One chapter closes and the next one begins. That by itself isn't too terribly frightening. But the part about this job that keeps me "clocking in" every day is the paycheck. Is that a confession I like to admit? No. I have several very good friends I've made through this adventure. But the way things are my contribution to the job is limited and sparse. Therefore, my accomplishment feels inadequate and the satisfaction gained from putting forth good effort is nearly non-existent. So, it's a paycheck. I'm grateful for that, don't get me wrong. But it's a paycheck.

I am excited to see what God has in store. I'm excited to see if He thinks I'm ready for another level toward the ultimate goal, or if He feels I still have some more things to learn before that is revealed entirely. I'm cool with whatever He's planning. I've learned He tends to have a few more facts in His notebook. He knows how to read that blueprint, I don't. So, He sees the final outcome and He knows exactly where I'm at along the journey. He knows if I'm on target or not. And if I'm not, He'll get me caught up. I'll trust Him.

He's not let us down so far. There has always been provision. It may not have always been used wisely, but it was there. And we've learned from those days. Here's something that has come to mind recently though. And I've seen some posts by a few of my friends recently that let me know many of us are in this very spot in our journey:

If God plants something in your heart, and He asks you to go through the desert to get to the promise, how far are you willing to go to attain it?

Here's a dilemma I have, I want it today. I may intellectually understand that in order to be able to achieve certain goals, there is preparation that I must do. Most people don't hit a home run the first swing they take at a ball. It takes practice, strength, timing. (I never did it, by the way!)

In order to be effective in what God is stirring within me, I need to be ready for the responsibility. There will be things within me that need tweaked, corrected, improved, matured. Now, depending upon what He's asking you, what it takes for you to be ready may be different than what I'm dealing with right now. But I think we could all agree that during those "desert" times of preparation it can get rough.

With the sand that blows around, the heat, it's dry, water is scarce, shelter seems absent..... But we come out tougher. We come out with more resolve. We come out with greater understanding. We lean in and depend upon God in such a way that the nature of our relationship with Him changes. We begin to learn Who He really is and what kind of a God He really is. We learn of His love and while it's something I don't think a single human is capable of fully comprehending, we may begin to understand the tip of it. And even that is overwhelming. Knowing how much He loves us enables us to find rest in Him during difficult times of our lives for because of His love, we have hope and we know "this too shall pass."

When I'm wandering in the desert, and I feel isolated and alone, I think of several key brothers mentioned in the Bible. There are many, many others. I only have to open it and find them. But the ones that immediately come to mind are Moses, Abraham and Joseph. I speak of them all of the time, and forgive me if I'm redundant here. Each was led from what they knew under various circumstances and led through different trials and tribulations in order for God to prepare them to receive all He had designed. In order to do what He needed them to do, they had to go through what He asked them to endure.

They may not have always been willing. I think several complaints were noted. What was also noted was the fact they did it. They endured it to completion and they accomplished what God intended for His purpose.

I'm not good at waiting. I'm not the most patient person on the planet. But I am getting better at it. I like things to be resolved very quickly. And I'm not much on surprises. I like to see where I'm going before I get there. And I know that is part of the reason I live here. There are actual hills and curves in the roads. I can't see the entire road before me. There are trees. I can't always see what's coming to the intersection from the other side. Folks here take their time. Few rush around to do anything. It's something I needed to live in to begin to absorb it. I needed to slow down and I needed to learn that I don't know everything, nor do I need to know everything in order to be effective.

I'm waiting. I don't do it without complaining. And that, I'm sure, will be addressed by my Father in time. Right now, I think He's more concerned with my patience. And I think He wants me to put my money where my mouth is, so-to-speak, and practice what I preach by leaning into Him during this foggy season of my life; to trust Him and to know that whatever He has planned will be for my good and His glory.

If you are sharing some real estate in the desert with me, if we're in the same neighborhood, I'd like to share a verse or two with you I received today from one of my devotional emails:

Romans 12:12
Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always.

Ah! Be patient in trouble. Desert. Testing. Trials. Silence.

One more:

2 Corinthians 5:7 (New International Version)
7We live by faith, not by sight.

I can't see the future with regard to my vocation. I do not know the means God will use to bring provision for my family. But I do know He will do it. I do know that He has a plan and that He will not be late. And I have a choice to make: to listen to the enemy who wants to stir me into worry, anxiety and stress by telling me the number of days left to my last day.... OR I can press into my Father, lean into Him and step out in faith knowing it will all work out in accordance to His will.

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Stand strong my friends.... Be blessed!

Jeani