Don't Borrow Sorrow

Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)
34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This particular verse follows illustrations Jesus uses to reveal to us we have no need for worry. He mentions birds and flowers and points out they do not show concern for food or clothing. They simply go about doing the things for which they were created to do.

Mamasan had a saying, "Don't borrow sorrow from tomorrow." Now, I don't know the origin. I never asked her. But this verse sure does solidify her statement.

"Each day has enough trouble of its own."

How unbelievably true that is!

I'm not really sure the event or maybe even series of events that occurred in my life to create this particular personality trait, but I really am not a huge fan of surprises. Now, I rather enjoy surprising other people. And I will share in the great celebration of surprising someone else - say at the office with cake! :) But when it's my turn to have a surprise, I don't usually give the reaction expected from the person(s) who set it up.

I like to know what's in front of me. I like it to be calculated, well-planned, extremely predictable, and for good measure, low-risk. Even better if it can be orchestrated at my discretion. In short, I'm a control freak.

News flash to fellow control freaks: It's not a good thing.

I find myself constantly frustrated. And due to my intense anger issues, any emotion other than belly laughter gets expressed through anger. Tired = angry. Hungry = angry. Worried = angry. Hurt = angry. Scared = angry. Frustrated = angry.

Communicating while angry is never received well. It's usually met with defense and opposition - regardless if it's a family member, co-worker, etc. Who likes an angry control freak??

I've been fully aware of my anger issues for years. And contrary to what some may believe, I am a WAY better than I used to be. But it doesn't excuse the behavior. And I continue to work on it. The more I journey with God for healing the root of this anger, the more layers I uncover and the more uncomfortable I am; the more I realize truly how much is outside my control.

What can I control? It's very, very simple. So simple it's scary. And warning to you other control freaks, the sooner you embrace it, truly, I'm sure the shorter the journey and the least amount of damage done.... We can only control ourselves.

For me, this means that each time I try to get someone else to adhere to a standard I've created for me, I will fail if they do not value that standard or are not willing to abide by it. I can explain why it's important to me, but everyone has their own perspective and point-of-view. We all have our own filters we use to see the world. And they are usually built from our past experiences.

I'm learning that I want to reconstruct my filters using different material. I want to allow myself to enjoy the gifts of surprise. I want to be okay not knowing the outcome before the event. I want to learn how to leave yesterday behind, look forward to tomorrow, but truly enjoy today. I want to learn from my past mistakes and do my best not to repeat them. I want to make plans for a good future and have goals to which I'm lunging. But I don't want to forget about today. It is all I'm guaranteed. I have today. I have this moment. That's it.

Worry about yesterday or tomorrow won't allow me to enjoy today. My focus is somewhere my person is not. I am here. I should enjoy now.

One of the not-so-fun things about growth is once you recognize an area that needs modification, you are then responsible to either work through it to improve, or are accountable for the consequences of not working on it.

If I want to build a new filter for life, I need to use material that is solid, proven, timeless. If I want to enjoy today, I have to find a way to remove yesterday and tomorrow from my obsessions. How will I do that?

Promises. God's promises.

This isn't an overnight construction process. Dismantling the old filters will take time and effort. It will require grace and mercy. And I'm sure it's not even something that can be done in my own strength. I will lean heavily upon the One who is strong enough to take it apart, to clean the reusable parts and help construct the new filters. I will continue my journey using teachings from sermons and conferences, personal study, praise and worship music, service and fellowship, and lots of time in prayer.

I want to "get this" now, at age 37; not when I'm 73. I don't want to waste any more days not allowing the emotion that is beneath the anger to be revealed. If I'm hurt, I want to be able to say that I'm hurt without masking it in defensive anger. If I'm scared, I want to be able to say I'm scared. I want to enjoy things as they are and learn from them as they are without being so concerned about the outcome of everything. God's timing is perfect. God's provision is perfect. God's will is perfect. I want to trust Him with every area of my life and know without a shadow of a doubt that whatever He brings before me, it will have a good purpose. And that whatever the enemy brings before me, God can flip it into a good purpose.

I may have to say this every day for some time to come. That's okay. I'm progressing. I'm moving forward. I recognize a fundamental flaw as a result of my experiences, and I'm trusting the Master Designer to make the corrections.

Exodus 16:4 (New International Version)
4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions.

Live today.

Be blessed,