Beginning and the End..... In Your Presence God....

So many things run through my mind when someone I love crosses over into eternity. I think my immediate reaction is very natural and felt by most as well: I think about the physical absence of their life. I think about how I can't call them. I can't hug them. I can't kiss their head any longer. And I feel sorrow and loss considering these truths. Grief grips my heart and I begin to grapple with this earthly reality.

I then begin reflecting upon their life. How long were they in mine? I never feel it was long enough. How did they impact me? How did they impact others? Were they saved? Could I have helped with that if they weren't? Did I try?

Operating upon the "saved" assumption, grief becomes a mixture of sadness and sheer joy. A peace I can't explain envelopes me. And things no longer feel like a loss for me. It's more of a pause.

I saw a church sign the other day driving around Nashville: "Death is only a comma for those who believe in Christ." Love it! It's very true. I quickly find myself rejoicing and celebrating my loved one's promotion into that next life. And I move from remembering my past with them, to considering their present state and future. They've graduated to angel. They've seen family and friends they've missed. They've looked upon God and fallen into Christ's arms. And I cannot be sad anymore. I know that I will see them again. I have hope. And I am filled with their love. And I know they watch over me.

Don't get me wrong. I will still get choked up from time to time. I will still have moments out of the blue that trigger a memory and remind me of the physical impossibility of feeling their loving arms around me and me putting mine around them. And that momentary sadness will sweep over me again. It comes in waves. But it never crushes me. And I always resurface. Because just as quickly as I choke, I smile. I know they are forever in the presence of our Heavenly Father. I know they are whole. They have reached God's ultimate design for them. No longer in pain. Won't endure pain ever again. They cannot become ill. They will not ever know that weary, tired, "enough" feeling again. They only know joy at their very core. And the warmth surrounds me and covers me and out of the pit I climb.

I've thought about this quite a bit this past week. My cycle of grief. And I've thought about how it's changed over the course of my lifetime. How I've gravitated toward the edge of the continuum that understands "next" is where it's at, not the "now". And I've uncovered the difference for me.

This life is not my goal. This life is not my source. God is.

Revelation 22:13 (NIV)13"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."

God truly is my source. Sharing this strength comes just as natural to me now as breathing. I don't even think about it any longer. I will find myself in a conversation about literally anything and hear myself suddenly mention God or prayer. And sometimes I pause and think to myself, "Where did that come from?"

I know the answer before the thought is completed. God. My source.

There is a song by Phil Wickham to which I am absolutely addicted. I don't really know yet (I'll look it up) if he wrote it. But I LOVE his recording. It's called Divine Romance. And there is a line in the song which states, "In Your presence God I'm completely satisfied." This is true for me. When I'm in His presence, when I'm acknowledging Him, serving Him, worshiping Him, I feel complete.

I'm fortunate for the family and friends that I have. I enjoy this life much more with them than I would without them. I can attest to that! And I want to keep the ones I have for as long as I can; and expand the circle. However, God is my source. He is my rock. He's the One who will never abandon me, forsake me, walk away from me, leave me stranded, hurt me, disappoint me, create confusion within me. He will do the opposite of all of these.

We live in a broken world. And we are all broken. I am broken. I have many areas upon which I can improve. I'm convicted daily of several of them. :) But I don't live condemned. And I don't let others condemn me. I allow God to have that job. And I continue to do what I can in my strength and leave to Him what I cannot handle. This allows Him to do what I can't in His strength. There is more peace in this, trust me. :) I'm just glad that after 37 years of living I'm understanding the lessons He's been trying to teach me each day of my life.

I pray that through my understanding of God's lessons, and His call on my life to share these, someone else, many someone's if that is His will, can internalize these ideas and lessons and save themselves heartache. I don't share this to condemn anyone. I don't share this to seem "above" others. I'm not. I'm broken. I have character defects. I'm not Holier than Thou. I want to share what I'm learning that is taking away the pain of this world, and replacing it with the Peace that passes all understanding through Jesus Christ.

Contrary to some's belief, I do not want others to feel hopeless pain. I want them to find God and realize He fills the void. All voids. He truly is enough. He just blesses us with others so we can experience more joy.

Father God, thank you for the experiences in my life that have brought me to this point. Thank you, Lord, that you continue to work on my heart and shape it to match yours. Thank you for those who align me to your will. Father, keep me humble. Continue to use me to shine your light. You are magnificent, Almighty God, and you can choose whomever to further your Kingdom. I pray you will continue to use your willing servant as a tool in your hands. Use these words you've given me and these lessons I've learned to reach others, Father. Extend my hand to those in need of your peace. Let my words be encouraging and not those tearing down my loved ones. Increase my patience and my servant nature. Replace the areas of my heart that are broken. Watch over, guide and protect my family and friends. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Be blessed!
Jeani